A Song of Magic & Candy  Book 1: A Game of Gnomes
by Tabulous Shredwort
Summary: This ambitious tale of conquest chronicles the hilarious epic rivalry between the Wizard of Oz and Willy Wonka. Rife with humor, mad science, politics, massive war, candy, ninja, STD's, voice actors, parallel universes, bears, and even little people too.


One day, whilst searching for a fresh batch of dingleberries in Netherhole Forest, Willhemina Orpheus Wonka pondered his pending copyright lawsuit against the franchise World Of Warcraft for "initial infringement" as he whistled the theme to his favorite David Bowie/Vanilla Ice tune.

"So what if they are a subsidiary of Activision now, which happens to have an army of lawyers? I got an army of Oompa-Loompas and serious delusions of grandeur, if they wanna fuck with me I'll go all fucking medieval on a motherfucker. We'll see how serious people take me after I reward them with a Golden Ticket to Hell! Bwahahaha..."

Meanwhile, somewhere in the basement of Wonka's magical factory, a very agile ninja, or vaginja, was stealing all the sugar and replacing it with kitten dandruff (in what went down as the cutest act of sabotage in recorded history). With the task completed he grinned roguishly. Disappearing in a cloud of smoke, the vaginja teleported to the land of Oz.

Inside his secret base in Oz, the vaginja placed all the stolen sugar into a giant vial and then checked his e-mail. Amongst the endless spam and assassination requests was a bulletin linking to the Wizard of Oz's facebook page. New event: Orgy. Realizing it would be the perfect time to enact his evil plan, the vaginja headed off towards the castle.

Once the vaginja reached the castle, he turned himself invisible and snuck into the bedchamber of the Wizard of Oz. Making his way through the piles of naked munchinks and the occasional winged-monkey, the vaginja pulled out his syringe and injected the sugar straight into the Wizard, via the mouth in his butt (yes, wizards have butt-mouths. they speak latin).

the Wizard of Oz, a now-hardcore-diabetic, started to totally freak out and get way pumped on the sugar coursing straight into his soul. He began pacing back and forth shouting.

How dare someone defy me by injecting me with a bunch of sugar! I am the Wizard of Oz... a freakin WIZARD! That's the top of the food-chain, above Godzilla or even the Supreme Leader. Hell, the way I run Oz makes North Korea look like a democratic republic. And I own it and every munchkin, witch, and flying monkey in it. They do my bidding. I am more powerful than superman and hitler combined, yet someone has the audacity to mess with my glucose levels? I officially declare war on whoever is responsible.

Just then a munchkin squeaks, "Hey wizzy, I found this note."

The note read:

Dear Mr. of Oz,

Enjoy dying, you fuck.

Love, tha Wonksta, a.k.a W.O.W.

It was at this point that the war began. Despite the horrific nature of mass violence and death, this war was not only awesome but hilarious, due to the vast armies of little peoples both the Wizard and the Wonka possessed. Oompla-loompa guerrila units ambushed troops of unsuspecting munchinks, red rivers of deathjuice cascading down the yellow-brick road. Winged monkey squads dropped napalm on the little candy villages, creating a massive fireworks show of gingerbread fusion as peppermint shrapnel destroyed everything in sight. Blood washed over the valleys of Oz and flooded the halls of the Chocolate Factory.

Chimera Blueberry-Girl shock troopers were created through genetic engineering to counter the wicked witches' powerful sorcery (who the wizard had formed a strategic alliance with, promising them a pardon, their own sovereign nation, and the right to practice their fake, trendy religion) but the blueborings proved ineffective at pretty much everything except rolling around and dying, especially against chicks in pointy hats who cast Ultima and Knights of the Round in the face of anyone, especially the blueburied posse.

Despite Wonka's utter failure, the intel recovered from this loss proved invaluable in developing his next set of genetically-engineered chimera hybrids: Isaac Newton-Bears. Wielding science and sheer ferocity, the ingeniously-named Univursidae killed not only the wicked witches of all four cardinal directions and their silly, primitive magic; but also slayed the marginally-immoral witch of the southwest and succeeded in capturing the somewhat-rude witch of the northeast (who later managed to escape with a stack of golden tickets, thanks in part to the secret actions of the vaginja).

The wizard was becoming desperate at the mercy of Wonka and his science bears, and in an act of complete despair decided to make the preparations to surrender. He began imagining the forthcoming defeat, the invading of his land, redistribution of his wealth, destruction of his nation's culture and laws. He imagined his munchkins with spray-on tans and their hair dyed green. His impenetrable fortress being renovated into an edible monument to gluttony. He was beginning to imagine the yellow-brick road being paved over with molasses and caramel when, suddenly, the somewhat-rude witch of the northeast appeared with a golden handful of shiny hope.

Formulating a more covert plan, the Wizard recruited the best and brightest munchkins in all of Oz. Disguising them as Oompa-Loompas, he dropped them in enemy territory to work as sleeper agents and gather intel about weak parts in the factory. For several months they worked undercover, and some covers were blown. Sacrifices were made. This was all part of the plan. The wizard then hired child-actors, and gave each of them a golden ticket, a stick of c4, and a detonator.

The massacre of rainbow swirl district became the largest recorded loss of oompa-loompa life in all of Wonka history, tho in the eyes of the Wizard of Oz it was an utter failure. You see, despite the high number of enemy casualties and severe blow to Wonka's morale: the main marshmallow pillar remained intact and, with it still standing, the genetic-modification lab and gumball factory still remained.

However a stroke of luck turned the battle in the wizard's favor when an outbreak of "Sudden Death Cooties" erupted which stemmed from a bad batch of candy produced with kitten dandruff instead of sugar for some reason. The plague wiped out nearly 60% of the Oompa-Loompa community (who are highly allergic to cat hair), creating rifts between the little orange slaves and their flamboyantly-douchey master. Rebellion and revolt lowered the population by yet another 10%.

Seeing the dire situation, Wonka used his knowledge of genetics and sweet confections to replace all the parts of an oompa-loompa's brain that process free thought with everlasting gobstoppers. The lobotomizing of his servants lowered their intelligence by quite a bit, but they made excellent pawns and soldiers. Meanwhile he took all the excess removed parts of the brains and fused them into one of the newton-bears to create an incredibly smart new hybrid-hybrid: Albeart Einstein.

Albeart Einstein's unparalleled knowledge led to the development of a super-weapon: the Cottomic Bamby (Cotton Atomic Bomb Candy). However, he was a totally misunderstood genius and ended up hanging himself with a rope of licorice after everyone told him the name Cottomic Bamby was stupid. One week later, a mushroom cloud of atomic cotton candy energy the size of kansas would change the war and the world forever.

Concluding that no other move was left but his trump card, the Wizard of Oz would have to pull out the last in his magical bag of magic tricks. And after tricking Wonka into accepting a collect call that was supposedly an emergency, he finally did it. Threatening to use wizardry to create an alternate universe where Mark Hamill appears in commercials, makes lame cameos, and performs awkward comedic renditions of mediocre songs while William Shatner does voice-overs for every cartoon ever made, Wonka had no choice but to consider the dark reality of this nightmarish parallel future.

Realizing what a despicable, horrible voice for the Joker Shatner would probably attempt, Wonka decides to throw in the white flag. Luckily for him, one of his skanky oompa-looma wiped its herp all over it (which apparently is permanent, even for Wizards).

In the end Wonka lives in failure and fear, but the Wizard of Oz lives with diabetes and herpes.

So who is the real winner?


End file.
